Thursday, May 24, 2012

A new day.

Today is a very good day.

It's my three-year wedding anniversary. It's the day my favorite person and I jet off to one of our favorite cities and spend a long weekend being no one but us. It's also the day that I confess a very big thing to you, because it's finally become more tiring keeping it quiet than letting it all hang out.


Here's my baggage, thrown open for the world to see: I've been trying to get pregnant for two years.

Exhale.

Two Junes ago, T and I threw caution to the wind and decided to just see what happens. Of course, nothing did. A long journey began then instead, one much more complicated than we ever expected. All the same, the June of my memories is a month of freewheeling optimism, a month of earnest hope, a month of giddiness. It's almost June again, and so much has changed. Our world is decidedly more measured in its optimism now, our imaginations a little more contained, our hearts a little more tender. But there is hope, always.

There's also been a lot of writing over here, in my quiet moments. Some of it is sad, some of it funny, and some of it just explanatory, captured so I don't forget the details. It's been good for me. When I started writing, the only audience I had in mind was someone besides you guys. The person writing wasn't the me you all know. She's a little more wry, a little more bitter, a little more beaten up. She has something big in common with the me of Freckled Citizen, though: they both hate whining more than anything.

I think it's the fear of coming across as a whiner that's kept me quiet here for so long. With everything I have in my life, who am I to complain about the one thing I'm missing? My mantra that keeps my inner whiner in check is "I am lucky." And I am; I know I am.

I've learned so much about myself in the last two years, so much about my husband, so much about who we are as a couple. I've never been prouder of us. I don't know when we'll overcome infertility, or if we'll overcome infertility, but I know that at the end of the day, I'm still one of the luckiest girls alive. I still wouldn't change a thing.

So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share some of what I've written here from time to time - The Infertility Diaries, if you will. And whether or not you've ever set foot inside a fertility clinic, I have stories that might interest or amuse you. (The one where I inject myself with hormones at a wedding reception is worth the wait, trust me.) But what I'm offering isn't really entertainment or even for you: it's catharsis, and it's for me. 

I'm spending the next few days in New Orleans, where I'll be in my happy place of food, drink, music, and cheer. One of my favorite things about New Orleans has always been the way it wears itself from the inside out, guts splayed open right alongside its picture-perfect facades. It's the perfect city for me to start this new journey, this one where I unzip my insides and wear them openly. Decorum just isn't working for me anymore.

And so it's May 24, and it's a good day. Three years after the fact, and three years from now, too. No matter what.

46 comments:

  1. Maggie, thanks for sharing something so private. Amanda & I have been together for twelve years this year, and we decided to go down a different path on the kids question.

    My thoughts are with you and Trevor, and I look forward to your awkward hormone injection stories.

    Happy Anniversary! Here's to many more.

    Jason

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  2. Maggie, I have been thining about you so much, and I am so glad you have decided to share your writing about this with us. Hopefully it will be cathartic, and help ease your burden. Happy aniversary and have a deligthful time in NOLA- much love!

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  3. Sending you a virtual hug from a virtual stranger. It takes a lot of guts to put all of this out there. Brava! Rooting for y'all on this journey.

    Have SO MUCH fun in New Orleans. One of my favorites as well.

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  4. First- congratulations on your wedding anniversary! I hope you guys have a splendid time celebrating and many more happy years ahead of you.

    Oh Maggie, Sending you a hug. The TTC journey can be a roller coaster and I am sorry hear that it has been a trying one for you. Thank you for sharing with all of us and I hope that it is helpful for you to share your story.

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  5. Your bravery is impressive. Sometimes it's just easier to share things and be enveloped by support from your internet pals. We love you.

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  6. I can't wait to read your stories. Happy anniversary and have fun in New Orleans!

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  7. Maggie, this is my first comment on your blog but I have been following you for some time. Your post brought tears to my eyes because I can relate to your inclination not to whine while needing to simply talk about infertility. As someone who is injecting herself with hormones and speaking only in acronyms, I understand your struggle. My thoughts are with you. Meg

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  8. Happy anniversary! Feels like just yesterday I was reading all about your awesome wedding!

    I, too, avoid writing about certain issues for fear of sounding like a whiner, or worse, ungrateful for the amazing things I *do* have. But whenever I read others' writing about private, sensitive topics, I have nothing but admiration for their honesty and self-awareness.

    Do whatever feels right - I'll still be reading! xo

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  9. Happy anniversary, sweet Maggie. You and T have always just stood out to me as an amazing couple full of mutual respect and deep, deep love.

    I'm so sorry you've been silently struggling for so long. I'm so glad you're going to share your writing with us. You have such a way with words and I know your stories will touch many hearts and hopefully sharing them will help you, too. I'm proud to know you. Xoxo

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  10. Maggie - I have admired you for so, so long. I think you're an amazing woman with intelligence and wit and grace. Nothing you say could EVER come across as whiny - instead, I feel privileged that you would share something so close to your heart with us. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and I know great things await you and T on your journey as a married couple. Sending much love.

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  11. Happy Anniversary- you're wedding is still my absolute favorite I ever saw online.

    I'm so sorry you guys are struggling with this. I love that you are sharing this with us. Have fun in NOLA!

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  12. Huge hugs, Maggie. I'm so glad you've decided to share your story with us, I think it's a shame that there's such a stigma around infertility. Your positive attitude and bravery are amazing. Happy anniversary, and have so much fun in NO!

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  13. aw, maggie, i'm sorry you guys are going through this. i do think writing about it will help you and probably others, too. i'm glad you decided to share.

    have a great time in nola! i like that city more and more each time i go back. have a beignet for me!

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  14. Maggie, I have never commented here before but I've enjoyed reading about your adventures ever since your awesome wedding. I always find it effortless to connect to whatever you write, maybe because Boston, New Mexico, and the Carolina coast are all special places for me, too.

    I want to echo the sentiments of the other comments here...congrats on your anniversary, bon voyage and have fun celebrating, and thank you for sharing from your "infertility diaries" too. Your blog always inspires me, from wedding planning to home-buying and -improvement, politics, or general goings-on. I know this next chapter will be no different. So thanks, and along with so many others, I am rooting for you!

    Lizzy

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  15. Maggie, we must now meet face to face soon in DC or Bmore. We have more in common than you know. I can't wait to follow your NOLA joys on Instagram. I've loved getting to know you these past three years and can't wait to meet you in person someday soon. xoxo, Nelle

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  16. Darling girl, happy anniversary to you and T. Enjoy the hell out of New Orleans, and we'll all be waiting for you when you get back. Unzipping -- you, your pants, a suitcase full of clothes that smell like vacation -- is always a good idea. Much love to you.

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  17. I am so sorry you and T have been going through this challenge. So many struggle and I'm sure hearing your words will bring some comfort and solidarity. It will also be enlightening to those who haven't had issues conceiving. My husband and I just opened the "just see what happens" gate and I'm terrified that it will be difficult so I'm looking forward to reading your experience.

    Bon voyage and I hope you have a great time celebrating!

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  18. You are a great writer. You should sell your "infertility diaries" to babble or some other publishing venue.

    Happy anniversary and have fun in NOLA. Eat some crawfish pie for me!

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  19. Hi, I stumbled on your blog a while ago and have been following partly because we have the same name and both live in the DC area. Anyway, I feel your infertility pain. We dealt with infertility for ages and we'd finally talked ourselves into doing IVF when a pre-IVF physical turned up breast cancer. I'm fine, it was caught early, but suddenly we found ourselves really having to get some eggs out fast in case of chemo (which I didn't end up needing). And after all that worrying about IVF, it wasn't really that bad. Now we have to wait 3-5 years to use our embryos though since I'm on a cancer-preventative drug that you can't get pregnant on. But at least the retrieving of the eggs part is done! Best wishes for your fertility issues - I hope you will have success! You're definitely not alone and I'm sure you have lots of great friends and family who will support you!

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  20. Happy anniversary to you & T! I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling with this, and so pleased you decided to open up to us readers. Know that I'm pulling for you!

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  21. Oh, Maggie. I've been thinking about this all day. You are one of the Internet's most fabulous people (hell, I'm sure you're likely one of the world's most fabulous people), and you deserve to be absolutely, positively, rapturously happy. Nothing less. And the best thing is that you're just the person to make that happen for yourself, no matter what the world tosses at you.

    Happy anniversary, you. I think the three-year anniversary calls for gin. Trust me, it's science.

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  22. I am so sorry that you've been struggling with trying to conceive. I don't really comment, but I enjoy reading everything you write. This is your space, and you should be able to voice your struggles and fears and disappointments without worrying about being whiny- your readers are here because we like you!

    Happy Anniversary!

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  23. Just wanted to add how amazing I think you are. One of best friends struggled with infertility and could barely talk about it with the people who loved her. She couldn't even tell me. She totally saw it as a personal flaw. It's not. Like most of life's downs: it's hard, it's sucks, and unless you go through it, you can't totally understand it. So kudos to you for sharing your story so that the woman who can't open up know that they are not alone. I raise my glass/bottle of wine to you Maggie.

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  24. also, ignore all my grammatical errors/typos in my comment. it's late.

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  25. First - Happy Anniversary!

    Second - I hope you know how courageous I think you are for sharing about this journey on here. I know that isn't easy. I love you're writing, and I'm interested to read about this journey you've been on. Also, know that I'm thinking about you and your husband.

    Third - Hope you're having a lovely time in New Orleans!

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  26. You and T are such a lovely couple, and I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling with infertility. I know your words will console others who are on this same journey. Sending hugs and happy anniversary wishes for a celebratory trip to New Orleans!

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  27. Add me to the list of longtime lurkers. I'm commenting tonight because I have been moved to tears by the beauty with which you have told this story.

    Happy anniversary to you and T. Best of luck as you face the challenges ahead. Your love for each other and your commitment to happiness is apparent in every word you write. I wish y'all the very best as you deal with this struggle.

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  28. I've struggled with infertility too and it's so brave of you to be able to share this. I have a very tough time opening up about our struggles! Best wishes to you!

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  29. Even the fortunate get to feel sorrow. I've been thinking of you ever since we met for breakfast at the St. Regis, some time ago. I wish you all the best. It's OK if you become even more fortunate. I think you two deserve it, if I guess.

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  30. Mags-my first comment seems to have gotten lost on its way to the mysterious forces for healing and renewal. A good sign, maybe.

    I just want you to know that your life will always be full to overflowing because of all that you give. You are blessed, and I'm so happy to hear that you feel it, too, even during such a hard time. I certainly envy your over-the-top love affair with your husband! I have absolutely no doubt that you will do everything have to to complete your family in the very best way.

    I can't think of another couple that deserves a whole weekend to celebrate each other more than you two. Way to pick the perfect place to do that!

    Much love to you,

    M

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  31. feliz tercer aniversario!

    por lo demás, solo decirte que siento mucho que esteis pasando por esto, pero que estoy de acuerdo contigo: eres una chica muy afortunada....que intenta serlo cada dia, y que disfruta de lo que tiene.
    Hay un dicho que dice que no es mas rico el que mas tiene, sino el que menos necesita.

    Ojala se resuelvan pronto y a vuestro favor estas circunstancias adversas. De cualquier manera, se a ciencia cierta que una mujer tan impresionante y maravillosa como tu, junto con un marido tan fascinante como el tuyo, sólo podeis salir de esta mucho mas fuertes de como entrásteis.

    Änimo, y al toro!

    Angela

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  32. Thank you for sharing. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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  33. Brava, brave girl. Hope you had a terrific anniversary weekend in NOLA.

    If you ever want an online person to chat about infertility stuff with, I went through it with my boy and am going through it again; I never have had the courage to write about it, so I'm looking forward to reading whatever you decide to share here.

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  34. I meant to comment on Thursday and thought about you this weekend seeing your instagram pix (which look so fun btw!)...hang in there and glad you are going to share your experiences since I know they will be so well written and help others that are suffering in silence.

    My birthday wish for the past 3 years has been for my sister to get pregnant(which finally came true)...I can't say I've experienced it, but I've had a front row seat and it is brutal. My heart is sad that you have to go through it too.

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  35. First of all, I hope you and T had the happiest of anniversaries!

    Second, I am so, so sorry you have been dealing with this. As you know, we had quite the time getting pregnant (and staying pregnant with E) and are facing the same battle again should we try for number two. I do hope you find some comfort in talking about it and sharing it on here. I think you will. All that to say, you're on my heart.

    Have a great trip!

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  36. Oh, Maggie. I'm sorry for your struggle.

    Your words here are beautiful ... and still filled with optimism. I really hope you find comfort talking about your experience online. Also, imagine all the women lucky enough to stumble across your writing who also will find comfort as they struggle. I think the Infertility Diaries will be a gift for us all.

    Praying for you guys. xoxo.

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  37. You always amaze me. You are so brave. And like everything else I've ever read on this blog, this post is so beautifully and honestly written. I know you're sharing your Infertility Diaries for you but I have no doubt they will speak to so many.

    I hope that you and T had a wonderful time in New Orleans celebrating your anniversary. Here's to many years of happiness for you both!

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  38. Oh man, infertility is the absolute worst. I'm impressed you can keep blogging as infertility treatments are a full time job. I'll be sending healthy thoughts across Capitol Hill. Hang in there!

    - amysuebee

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  39. Maggie, I just read this and wish I had before I saw you yesterday! It is so beautifully written and I feel so deeply for you & T. I am so glad you're staying optimistic and wish y'all nothing but the best.

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  40. Wow, while first of all I appreciate your honesty I have to say that your optimism is even more appreciated. Thank you for sharing and wishing you all the best.

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  41. We had infertility struggles as well and kept it quiet for a long time, even from our families, it's incredibly brave of you to share it. Shots in Vegas didn't even get me an eye bat. :)

    Look forward to hearing about NOLA and all the tasty goodness to be had.

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  42. When I read your blog, I find myself nodding in agreement with you--whether it's about the Indigo Girls or politics or shoe shopping. You have a way of knitting together your thoughts in a pattern that makes me (and many others, I'm sure) say, "Yes, exactly! That's exactly how I feel! How does she say it in just the right way?"

    So it doesn't surprise me that you've done the same thing here with this "coming clean" post about infertility. I don't have firsthand experience with infertility, but have hoped and prayed and cried and celebrated alongside friends going through it. There are so many emotions tied up in this business of having children, and I'm so glad you've decided to let us in as you wade through it.

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  43. This is a generous and brave post! I am sending you guys lots of love, dude. I don't know exactly how this must feel, but I am sending you my admiration and support! You will be terrific parents however that turns out to happen. Happy anniversary!

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  44. I just saw your instagram picture and it led me to this post. I hope that doesn't come across as nosy. I don't read blogs regularly anymore so I wasn't aware that you were dealing with infertility. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and hope you get pregnant soon! Do you read Landlocked Mermaid's blog or Grove Gals' blog? They both live in DC and provided me with lots of good doctor and clinic info when I had difficulty staying pregnant.

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