Thursday, May 17, 2012

How to Have a Messy House

Here's the "how-to" blog guide you've been waiting for, folks. Before I present my fine-tuned guide of "How to Have a Messy House in Four Simple Steps," take this to heart: there is no place for jealousy in blogland. I'd hate for you to feel worse about your own abode based on this post alone, or that your life is imperfect compared to my shiny existence. To each her own, I say! And take heart: I'm sure that every day, in your own small ways, you're trying your best to live the messy lifestyle, too. Now on to the life coaching....!

Step 1: Empty Boxes

Keep up your online ordering, but do not, under any circumstances, break down and throw out those boxes! Don't consolidate them either - a sprinkling of empty boxes in every room is ideal. Tell yourself the trash guys routinely, inexplicably reject cardboard anyway, so you'll "deal with it later." Trip over the boxes frequently. Create a kingdom of cardboard for your cats. Tell yourself that as long as the boxes are empty, you can't be classified as a hoarder. Have the perfect box to wrap up a gift three times a year, and tell yourself that it's all worth it. Repeat.

Step 2: Suitcases

When you come home from a trip, do not unpack those suitcases! By leaving suitcases in the middle of the floor with clothes in them, you're actually saving yourself time the next time you have to pack. Duh! It's also nice to forget you have clothes inside and then open them and feel like you just went shopping. If you must remove the suitcase from the middle of your floor, there's a minimum one-month time period to fully unpack the suitcase, and another month to take the suitcase down to the basement. If you must.
(Apologies: photo taken yesterday after suitcases left their true home of the bedroom floor for their temporary home of the basement. Large suitcase used in March.)

Step 3: Clothes

Twice a year, you might embark upon a "seasonal clothing exchange" if you're lacking closet and drawer space, wherein you'll switch out sweaters for summer dresses, etc. Try to leave your seasonal clothing bins on the floor for as long as possible. Really you're living for all four seasons in your bedroom at all times, while the basement closets are empty. Ideally, you will begin to pile laundry on top of said bins so they become completely useless. Run into them and strain your back when leaning over them in order to open the windows. Rewash the clothes on top due to their "cat nesting" existence, but pile them right up again.

Step 4: Newspapers

Due to DC's side-eye at loose newspapers in the recycling can, you'll never have enough plain paper bags in which to pack your old newspapers for trash day. Embrace it. Let those papers pile right up until they touch the bottom of the console table. Allow them to tip over and spill into the floor. Try putting them in plastic and have them rejected by the recycling authorities. See them rip small paper bags all over the sidewalk in front of your house. (You're probably wearing pajamas when this happens, by the way.) Decide you could start a microfiche business. Remember that no one uses microfiche anymore. Dig out that food section from two months ago that had a recipe you forgot to clip. Feel superior that you hung onto said paper so you could clip said recipe. Embrace your old-school awesomeness.

You're Welcome.
That's it, folks - four simple steps to a joyously messy home! I look forward to hearing how this post inspired you. Send photos!



  1. THIS. Can I get an "amen" for the seasonal clothing bins? Because mine are definitely still sitting at the foot of the bed...over a month after closet transition.

  2. I went on a cleaning binge while on maternity leave. Threw out tons of stuff, mainly clothing. Now I'm constantly looking for stuff that I gave tobGoodwill. Huge mistake! Hahahaha

  3. Finally, a 'how-to' guide that I have already mastered! This had me laughing. We like to collect regular recycling too...I count the weeks we haven't taken it out with the number of empty milk gallons.

  4. Oh my, LOVE. I'm laughing, I'm crying, I'm identifying! The suitcase non-unpacking! The piles of laundry upon clothes that need to be put away! Then re-washed anyway! This is my life. My poor husband is so organized I think he always feels like he is living with a hoarder... xoxo

  5. Ha! Just last night I was kicking myself for purging boxes the week prior, because it turned out I wanted to return something I ordered, but no longer had the PERFECT BOX. No more ill-advised cleaning sprees for this gal. This is also reaffirming my practice of leaving packed suitcases in the middle of the floor. Bless your heart.

  6. After a month of tripping over bags and boxes I decided to take stuff to goodwill. I have now been driving around for 2 weeks with a box of crap for goodwill. I look like I am living out of my car.......

  7. I have Step One down pat... Ever since the glorious day I caved for the Amazon Prime membership, FedEx visits my stoop at least 5x weekly. The hallway from the kitchen to the garage is littered with empty boxes...which eventually become overflow recycling bins! SO HANDY! I do seem to have a box elf, though, who magically breaks down and disposes of my cardboard wasteland...oddly, her visits always coincide with my mother's...hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

  8. SO inspired, seriously, you should write a book

    I have a two year old, so my house is pretty much a disaster. However, when we get home from a trip, I have a weird thing that I have to unpack and put away the suitcases before I go to bed. Mostly, I just throw everything in the laundry so I don't have to fold and/or iron and put away, which just doubles the work and I guess defeats the purpose....

    KatiePerk's comment is HILARIOUS.

  9. Totally guilty of all but the newspapers. Last trip to DC? That suitcase had been sitting there half filled since the previous trip! Currently it's lying open In the middle of the living room! And so! Many! Cardboard boxes!

    Thanks for writing this, I feel like less of a pseudo-hoarder:)

  10. omg. Thank you!! I was doing my best to figure out how this was done.


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