Sunday, January 25, 2015

This year.

I've been trying to write this post for a month. It's hard to find much time lately. But on the plus side, here I am, actually writing it, not letting it fall to the wayside like so many fun recipes, posts about life events, posts about silly things, posts like Hazel's birth story. (For the record, she is 14 months old now... oops.)

This is a resolution post. See, I have lots of goals for this year, lots of little things and lots of "that would be nice" things and some other biggies, too. But as 2014 turned to 2015, the one that stuck in my head the most was that this year more than anything, I need to recapture my creativity. I am lucky beyond belief to be a mom to little H, to be married to someone who still floors me and delights me more than I can possibly express, and to be a successful professional who, although more harried than not these days, is able to find some personal value in her career. I'm so lucky to have all of that and to be able to live comfortably. I know how many are struggling today to get by, which is to say, I don't want to sound like an entitled snob complaining without seeing her privilege. I am lucky and I know it.

But.

I desperately miss my creative outlets. I miss writing. I miss making things for fun - rooms, parties, dinners, moments. Like every other mom on the planet, my time is squeezed more than ever, and for the best of reasons. Every day is a balancing act and every week is an absolute juggle. I've always been happy with that pace - I'm the first to squirm if there's not enough to do. But to do the important things well - to be a good mom and a good partner and a good colleague who manages not to cave into work stress but instead to navigate my team around it - I've dropped this world here, which has always been my special place, just for me. It was a survival decision and it was the right one, given those other biggies being juggled, but that doesn't mean it isn't difficult.

Tonight I was (virtually) home alone - Hazel asleep early with a cold, T at a coffee shop studying for a certification exam, and I cooked, just for me. I made a simple soup - nothing to write home about, although isn't a fresh, simple soup one of the most underrated meals there is? - and the experience was glorious. Cooking slowly, just for me. No timetable, no hungry companions, no recipe. That's the same me who misses this space.

I feel like I'm arriving at a crossroads and an inherent conflict that may well come to pass this year. I carry a level of stress with my day job that is not sustainable for the long haul. There is an end in sight, thankfully, although things will get worse before they get better. But then what? Is that the moment I've been waiting for, when I can recalibrate and bring back some of my interior world? Or will that moment instead be a real break, when I know I've crossed the (long, long, long-awaited) finish line, and I decide to do something entirely different with my life, something that will always give me the ability to maintain a little more interior space?

I don't know. And I'm not there yet, so I don't need to know. But this is coming for me, for 2015. It will either be a turning point or a new agreement with myself. But somehow, some way, I need more words, more air, more light, more spark.

To be continued...


16 comments:

  1. I have been meaning to comment on your IG pic of the soup- cooking is so therapeutic for me as well- the chopping, the ritual- so calming for my hectic brain. Can't wait to hear what is next for you. Love you bunches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I made soup this past weekend and couldn't agree more. It's weird how much I feel like I know you two. And I love you bunches as well. Best wishes finding the spark. I think February is just a rough month for many. It's almost over. The promise of spring is just around the corner where lots of new beginnings are possible. xoxo

      Delete
    2. I want to thank Dr Emu a very powerful spell caster who help me to bring my husband back to me, few month ago i have a serious problem with my husband, to the extend that he left the house, and he started dating another woman and he stayed with the woman, i tried all i can to bring him back, but all my effort was useless until the day my friend came to my house and i told her every thing that had happened between me and my husband, then she told me of a powerful spell caster who help her when she was in the same problem I then contact Dr Emu and told him every thing and he told me not to worry my self again that my husband will come back to me after he has cast a spell on him, i thought it was a joke, after he had finish casting the spell, he told me that he had just finish casting the spell, to my greatest surprise within 48 hours, my husband really came back begging me to forgive him, if you need his help you can contact him with via email: Emutemple@gmail.com or add him up on his whatsapp +2347012841542 is willing to help any body that need his help.

      Delete
    3. Does anyone still doubt natural herbs? I've seen the great importance of natural herbs and the wonderful work they have done in people's lives. I wonder why people still spend their money on surgery, injections and drugs each time they are sick. Natural herbs can cure all kinds of illness including Herpes, Diabetics, Asthma, Cancer, Hepatitis, etc. I've seen it with my own eyes. I was cured of Hepatitis B and my Sister and her Husband were cured of herpes by chief dr lucky who uses natural herbs to cure different kinds of illness. Even chief dr luck proved to the whole world that natural herbs can cure all diseases and he cured countless people using natural herbs. I know it is hard to believe but am a living testimony. There is no harm in trying herbs. Contact  on WhatsApp  +2348132777335 or email  chiefdrlucky@gmail.com

      Delete
    4. I NEED MY EX BACK DESPERATELY CALL DR LARRY FOR URGENT AND FAST HELP: +1(424)-261-8520

      i want to tell the world about the great and mighty spell caster called Dr Larry my husband was cheating on me and no longer committed to me and our kids when i asked him what the problem was he told me he has fell out of love for me and wanted a divorce i was so heart broken i cried all day and night but he left home i was looking for something online when i saw an article how the great and powerful Dr Larry have helped so many in similar situation like mine he's email address was there so i sent him an email telling him about my problem he told me he shall return back to me within 24hrs i did everything he asked me to do the next day to my greatest surprise my husband came back home and was crying and begging for me to forgive and accept him back he can also help you

      CONTACT HIM:
      EMAIL:assurancesolutionhome@gmail.com
      WhatsApp: +1(424)-261-8520
      https://assurancesolutiohome.blogspot.com
      http://assurancesolutioncenter.website2.me/

      Delete
    5. Hi viewers online, I'm Suzanne Gratton from the US. I'm here to share my testimony about how I helped to get my husband back. I was a cheat and my husband caught me several times. I tried fixing myself and each time I ended up cheating over and over again. I guess I didn't realize what he meant to me until he had left me alone. I began to find a way to get him back but nothing seemed to work out perfectly until I came across an article about DR PATRICK who helped a lot of people globally to get their relationships back. I made contact with him and he assured me that my husband will come back to me within 48 hours with his powerful magic and I paid 410 dollars for the materials needed for the work. Surprisingly, my husband came back home after 2 days saying that he still loves me and I swore never to cheat on him anymore. All thanks to DR PATRICK. You can have a chat with him on his WhatsApp number +1 662 493 2087 or you can contact him on Email drpatrickspellcaster@gmail.com and here is facebook page https://www.facebook.com/Drpatrickspellcaster11 and his blob https://drpatrickspellcast.blogspot.com

      Delete
  2. I feel EXACTLY the same way. Sigh. I have a list of projects a mile long: hang wallpaper, paint room, tile kitchen, cook yummy things, exercise, thread eyebrows, sew....at the end of the day I'm lucky to get dinner on the table, then it's play with josie and read with her until...pinterest.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well said, as usual! I'd been feeling a pull to move back down south for over a year, but couldn't figure out how to leave Boston, this city I've fallen totally in love with. But I knew it was time for a change, time for something new. It took an external force of a great job pretty much falling in my lap to give me the push I needed, and now 2015 is off to a crazy (but awesome) start. I think listening to that voice inside your head is half the battle. You'll get there. And in the meantime--a simple soup will go a long way. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. It is so easy to fill up that interior space with the stuff of everyday life, until one day you wake up and there's not room for you. I know that feeling, and your words describe it so well. It sounds like there's much ado, and I hope 2015 is a year full of time, space, and clarity for you. It's always good to see you back, writing here! You've inspired me to do the same after a four-year-long hiatus full of babies. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm fortunate to have a creative job, (sidenote MAN it was hard to be creative in the beginning on so little sleep), but what I found myself missing in the first year of parenthood was time to workout. Several months ago I started working with a personal trainer Saturday mornings, started bootcamp in Lincoln Park early in the morning before work and started squeezing in as many trips to the treadmill in my little office gym as possible. I feel so much better. My energy levels are up. I get off the treadmill with lots of ideas for work and home. I burst in the door after those early morning bootcamps and scoop up my son. And of course, clothes are fitting that haven't fit in years. I think especially nursing moms can get in the habit of sticking to their kids like glue, but as he gets older I continually remind myself that I can take an hour or even a few hours a week to myself.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Am Laura Mildred by name, i was diagnosed with Herpes 4 years ago i lived in pain with the knowledge that i wasn't going to ever be well again i contacted so many herbal doctors on this issue and wasted a large sum of money but my condition never got better i was determined to get my life back so one day i saw Mr. Morrison Hansen post on how Dr. Emu saved him from Herpes with herbal medicine i contacted Dr. Emu on his Email: Emutemple@gmail.com we spoke on the issue i told him all that i went through and he told me not to worry that everything will be fine again so he prepared the medicine and send it to me and told me how to use it, after 14 days of usage I went to see the doctor for test,then the result was negative, am the happiest woman on earth now thanks to Dr. Emu God bless you. Email him at: Emutemple@gmail.com Whats-app orCall him: +2347012841542 

    ReplyDelete
  7. Omg I Finally Got Helped  !! I'm so excited right now, I just have to share my testimony on this Forum.. The feeling of being loved takes away so much burden from our shoulders. I had all this but I made a big mistake when I cheated on my wife with another woman  and my wife left me for over 4 months after she found out..  I was lonely, sad and devastated. Luckily I was directed to a very powerful spell caster Dr Emu who helped me cast a spell of reconciliation on our Relationship and he brought back my wife and now she loves me far more than ever.. I'm so happy with life now. Thank you so much Dr Emu, kindly Contact  Dr Emu Today and get any kind of help you want.. Via Email emutemple@gmail.com or Call/WhatsApp +2347012841542

    ReplyDelete
  8. Does anyone still doubt natural herbs? I've seen the great importance of natural herbs and the wonderful work they have done in people's lives. I wonder why people still spend their money on surgery, injections and drugs each time they are sick. Natural herbs can cure all kinds of illness including Herpes, Diabetics, Asthma, Cancer, Hepatitis, etc. I've seen it with my own eyes. I was cured of Hepatitis B and my Sister and her Husband were cured of herpes by chief dr lucky who uses natural herbs to cure different kinds of illness. Even chief dr luck proved to the whole world that natural herbs can cure all diseases and he cured countless people using natural herbs. I know it is hard to believe but am a living testimony. There is no harm in trying herbs. Contact  on WhatsApp  +2348132777335 or email  chiefdrlucky@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. My ex-boyfriend dumped me one week ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I reach to the Internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 2 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr Believe. You are truly talented and gifted.He is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop talking about him because he is a wonderful man. Contact this great love spell caster for your relationship or marriage problem to be solved today via email: believelovespelltemple@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +19713839183

    ReplyDelete
  10. I NEED MY EX BACK DESPERATELY CALL DR LARRY FOR URGENT AND FAST HELP: +1(424)-261-8520

    i want to tell the world about the great and mighty spell caster called Dr Larry my husband was cheating on me and no longer committed to me and our kids when i asked him what the problem was he told me he has fell out of love for me and wanted a divorce i was so heart broken i cried all day and night but he left home i was looking for something online when i saw an article how the great and powerful Dr Larry have helped so many in similar situation like mine he's email address was there so i sent him an email telling him about my problem he told me he shall return back to me within 24hrs i did everything he asked me to do the next day to my greatest surprise my husband came back home and was crying and begging for me to forgive and accept him back he can also help you

    CONTACT HIM:
    EMAIL:assurancesolutionhome@gmail.com
    WhatsApp: +1(424)-261-8520
    https://assurancesolutiohome.blogspot.com
    http://assurancesolutioncenter.website2.me/

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi viewers online, I'm Suzanne Gratton from the US. I'm here to share my testimony about how I helped to get my husband back. I was a cheat and my husband caught me several times. I tried fixing myself and each time I ended up cheating over and over again. I guess I didn't realize what he meant to me until he had left me alone. I began to find a way to get him back but nothing seemed to work out perfectly until I came across an article about DR PATRICK who helped a lot of people globally to get their relationships back. I made contact with him and he assured me that my husband will come back to me within 48 hours with his powerful magic and I paid 410 dollars for the materials needed for the work. Surprisingly, my husband came back home after 2 days saying that he still loves me and I swore never to cheat on him anymore. All thanks to DR PATRICK. You can have a chat with him on his WhatsApp number +1 662 493 2087 or you can contact him on Email drpatrickspellcaster@gmail.com and here is facebook page https://www.facebook.com/Drpatrickspellcaster11 and his blob https://drpatrickspellcast.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

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