Sunday, January 25, 2015

This year.

I've been trying to write this post for a month. It's hard to find much time lately. But on the plus side, here I am, actually writing it, not letting it fall to the wayside like so many fun recipes, posts about life events, posts about silly things, posts like Hazel's birth story. (For the record, she is 14 months old now... oops.)

This is a resolution post. See, I have lots of goals for this year, lots of little things and lots of "that would be nice" things and some other biggies, too. But as 2014 turned to 2015, the one that stuck in my head the most was that this year more than anything, I need to recapture my creativity. I am lucky beyond belief to be a mom to little H, to be married to someone who still floors me and delights me more than I can possibly express, and to be a successful professional who, although more harried than not these days, is able to find some personal value in her career. I'm so lucky to have all of that and to be able to live comfortably. I know how many are struggling today to get by, which is to say, I don't want to sound like an entitled snob complaining without seeing her privilege. I am lucky and I know it.

But.

I desperately miss my creative outlets. I miss writing. I miss making things for fun - rooms, parties, dinners, moments. Like every other mom on the planet, my time is squeezed more than ever, and for the best of reasons. Every day is a balancing act and every week is an absolute juggle. I've always been happy with that pace - I'm the first to squirm if there's not enough to do. But to do the important things well - to be a good mom and a good partner and a good colleague who manages not to cave into work stress but instead to navigate my team around it - I've dropped this world here, which has always been my special place, just for me. It was a survival decision and it was the right one, given those other biggies being juggled, but that doesn't mean it isn't difficult.

Tonight I was (virtually) home alone - Hazel asleep early with a cold, T at a coffee shop studying for a certification exam, and I cooked, just for me. I made a simple soup - nothing to write home about, although isn't a fresh, simple soup one of the most underrated meals there is? - and the experience was glorious. Cooking slowly, just for me. No timetable, no hungry companions, no recipe. That's the same me who misses this space.

I feel like I'm arriving at a crossroads and an inherent conflict that may well come to pass this year. I carry a level of stress with my day job that is not sustainable for the long haul. There is an end in sight, thankfully, although things will get worse before they get better. But then what? Is that the moment I've been waiting for, when I can recalibrate and bring back some of my interior world? Or will that moment instead be a real break, when I know I've crossed the (long, long, long-awaited) finish line, and I decide to do something entirely different with my life, something that will always give me the ability to maintain a little more interior space?

I don't know. And I'm not there yet, so I don't need to know. But this is coming for me, for 2015. It will either be a turning point or a new agreement with myself. But somehow, some way, I need more words, more air, more light, more spark.

To be continued...


6 comments:

  1. I have been meaning to comment on your IG pic of the soup- cooking is so therapeutic for me as well- the chopping, the ritual- so calming for my hectic brain. Can't wait to hear what is next for you. Love you bunches.

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    1. I made soup this past weekend and couldn't agree more. It's weird how much I feel like I know you two. And I love you bunches as well. Best wishes finding the spark. I think February is just a rough month for many. It's almost over. The promise of spring is just around the corner where lots of new beginnings are possible. xoxo

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  2. I feel EXACTLY the same way. Sigh. I have a list of projects a mile long: hang wallpaper, paint room, tile kitchen, cook yummy things, exercise, thread eyebrows, sew....at the end of the day I'm lucky to get dinner on the table, then it's play with josie and read with her until...pinterest.

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  3. Well said, as usual! I'd been feeling a pull to move back down south for over a year, but couldn't figure out how to leave Boston, this city I've fallen totally in love with. But I knew it was time for a change, time for something new. It took an external force of a great job pretty much falling in my lap to give me the push I needed, and now 2015 is off to a crazy (but awesome) start. I think listening to that voice inside your head is half the battle. You'll get there. And in the meantime--a simple soup will go a long way. :)

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  4. It is so easy to fill up that interior space with the stuff of everyday life, until one day you wake up and there's not room for you. I know that feeling, and your words describe it so well. It sounds like there's much ado, and I hope 2015 is a year full of time, space, and clarity for you. It's always good to see you back, writing here! You've inspired me to do the same after a four-year-long hiatus full of babies. Cheers!

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  5. I'm fortunate to have a creative job, (sidenote MAN it was hard to be creative in the beginning on so little sleep), but what I found myself missing in the first year of parenthood was time to workout. Several months ago I started working with a personal trainer Saturday mornings, started bootcamp in Lincoln Park early in the morning before work and started squeezing in as many trips to the treadmill in my little office gym as possible. I feel so much better. My energy levels are up. I get off the treadmill with lots of ideas for work and home. I burst in the door after those early morning bootcamps and scoop up my son. And of course, clothes are fitting that haven't fit in years. I think especially nursing moms can get in the habit of sticking to their kids like glue, but as he gets older I continually remind myself that I can take an hour or even a few hours a week to myself.

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