Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Tick tock, North Carolina

Before yesterday, North Carolina was the last Southern state without a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Before today, I also believed North Carolina was the last Southern state to secede from the Union. I just google-checked my memory and discovered that Tennessee actually seceded a week after my home state did. There goes a youthful assurance, a little piece of why I've always loved home. (Google: killing dreams since 1998.)

The truth of the matter, though, is that what matters more than when. North Carolina did secede from the Union. North Carolina now does have a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Last night was a deja vu moment for me. I saw myself driving my high school car (a hand-me down from my grandmother), with its "Jesse Helms Doesn't Speak For Me" bumper sticker on the back. I'd found it at a little bookstore in Chapel Hill that offered a discount if you could name a historical event that happened on the year they pulled out of a hat. Any nerd like me knows that the French Revolution began in 1789, so my bumper sticker cost me practically nothing. It wasn't the only lefty bumper sticker in my high school parking lot, either. We were in the Triangle of Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill after all, a dynamic region for research, universities, and industry. (The marriage amendment lost 4-to-1 in the Triangle last night, for perspective.) But back then in the 1990s, gun racks still outnumbered peace sign decals. We liked to show our stripes.

Those stripes are everywhere, if you're looking for them. The problem with making assumptions about any "red" state is that it ignores not only the pockets of blue, but the legions of people working hard to change the tide in their surroundings. There's a particular kind of state pride among those who love their state despite their state, who have a seasoned respect that's deeper and more honest than sheer boosterism. Making blanket statements about regions does so at the expense of the folks working hard there to make a difference, and it's something I take personally. Change is slow, and it starts small. Bumper stickers matter. But more than that, so do conversations on front porches, at the neighborhood park, in churches, in the checkout line. This small, steady change is happening all over the South. It's why some of my favorite people are progressive women from Texas. It's why North Carolina voted for Obama in 2008. It's why my teenage cousin half my age just went to her junior prom in NC with her girlfriend, and no one raised an eyebrow.

That same cousin's Facebook status yesterday was "And we keep fighting... and we keep going," said with all the assurance of a seasoned community organizer. She knows that time is on her side. We all do. While headlines are made about irrational amendments being passed, my family and friends at home, some of whom are gay, are trying to go about their lives just as they did yesterday. They're talking with their neighbors, raising families, and adding value to their communities. Their hearts are hurting, but they know the clock is ticking. The bravery in their hearts is the best thing I know. The second-best is the dedication of those on the ground already trying to peel this thing back, already laying the groundwork for how progress will reassert itself.

Tick tock, North Carolina. The march of progress has never left you behind completely, and it won't now, either. You're too beautiful to be shadowed by hate, too smart to be labeled something you're not. Time will tell.

19 comments:

  1. Beautifully written and well-said. My sister is a lesbian who happens to live in Asheville. She adores it there and the incredible people she's met in NC. It's a tough setback for her, but doesn't change her love of the place.

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  2. Maggie,

    This was so beautifully written. I am also a Carolina girl who now lives and votes in a different state. This vote has left me so sad and disappointed. I am still struggling to put my own feelings into words.

    But for now, I'm excited for the day when this law is repealed or changed. And until then, I'll keep on talking to friends and family and hopefully next time this kind of vote will go a different way.

    Meredith

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  3. Last night was infuriating, but not unexpected for those of us who know that state. I think we also know this thing is going to die young -- not before causing many people a lot of heartache, but it will go away, just like the stain of "miscegeny laws," and eugenics, and so many other loathsome ideas. And we all get to keep loving each other.

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  4. Thank you so much, Maggie! This was written so well.

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  5. Thanks for putting this perspective out into the world. I'm from a blue pocket in Florida and now live (and vote) in Boston. The difference in perspective has been interesting, to say the least. I completely understand your heartbreak and look forward to the day when the march of progress reaches both our home states!

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  6. Yes, yes, YES! If I see one more Tweet or Facebook status update implying that we're all a bunch of uneducated hillbillies I am going to FREAK! Shame on North Carolina? Shame on the hundreds of thousands of us who voted against it, and shame on those who are working so hard to bring about change? Before people start getting all superior about their own states, they should look around: homophobia is EVERYWHERE. Gay rights is very much a nationwide issue, not simply a NC one. The country as a whole still has a ways to go!

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  7. Beautiful post - as a resident of Texas (not a Texan mind you - born and bred in NYC) living in a little pocket of blue myself, I totally get this. There are differing opinions in in every state, every walk of life.

    My heart just goes out to the gay community - especially those that live in NC. But in all honesty, the country has a long way to go in recognizing the fundamental rights of every citizen, not just NC.

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  8. As someone who felt very secure in her blue state and had the rug pulled out from under her when Prop 8 passed in 2008, I understand being part of a minority who voted to protect rights (which, hello, WE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE VOTING ON) when so many voted to curtail them. I know this is part of a longer battle...I just wish I had more patience with those who are still on the other side.

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  9. Absolutely beautiful. A fantastic reminder that change doesn't happen overnight, and that where we reside is not ultimately defined by one vote, one election (speaking as a former Santorum constituent COUGH).

    So looking forward to more of your writing as the election season progresses.

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  10. Love this piece. Thoughtful and heartfelt.

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  11. I wish there was a way to speed up that clock. I wish gay Americans didn't have to wait for their civil liberties. I wish I didn't live in a state that's prohibited gay marriage for almost four years.

    Your cousin is right. Nothing to do but keep fighting.

    Beautiful post, Maggie.

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  12. Beautifully written. We were incredibly saddened about the vote yesterday. It will take time for things to change, but they are changing. My husband looked up the marriage laws that were already on the books in NC, and we were amazed that the law allowing mixed race marriages happened in MY LIFETIME!

    We may be a bit slow to change here in NC, but thanks for sticking up for those of us who are ready for change now, even though we're not the majority.

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  13. Love this and I share everyone else's sentiments- very well written.

    I had hope, but I have to say I was not surprised with the result. I absolutely adore NC and its people, but speaking as a Texan, I think the Southern states will sadly be slow to come around- mine included. I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong, but as you said- the clock is ticking no matter what. It is only a matter of time before the entire country recognizes that this is a basic human right.

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  14. It was disappointing to hear the news about North Carolina, but I think it's no coincidence that Obama came out to publicly support gay marriage today. We will keep fighting and educating people and working toward equality. despite a long ways to go, i am hopeful that the tide is shifting.

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  15. Great perspective on your home state Maggie. It takes time.

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  16. Beautifully written, but I wouldn't expect anything less. I know all too well the disappointment (and, oftentimes, embarrassment) that comes when the "whole" of your state doesn't truly represent the parts as you know and love them.

    Progress... if only you didn't take so much damn time.

    xo

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  17. Obama made a bold stand yesterday and I'm hoping it helps others to not think it's political suicide to do the same.

    One step in a sane direction

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  18. I should have known to expect a thoughtful, thought-provoking, gorgeously written response from you. Well done, as always.

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  19. "You're too beautiful to be shadowed by hate, too smart to be labeled something you're not." Beautiful, Maggie! Well done.

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