Wednesday, September 19, 2012

A new chapter.

So. Life has been... full.

Puppy licks. Interspecies interaction. Neighborhood strolls. Showers hosted. Work events. So much support from my loved ones that I walk around in a constant state of humble gratitude. Because life has also been... weird.

Hospital visits. Anesthesia. So.many.injections. Ultrasounds. Side effects galore. Crazy-science-magic. The weight of my own body on itself only barely equalling the emotions of it all.

Right. I haven't mentioned it here yet.

We started IVF.

And because the best place to begin is probably the most surreal place, I'll offer the following:

This is what $3,743 worth of medication looks like.


That's a lot to put in your body over the course of a month. And when the docs later realize they forgot something and tell you it'll be another $380, you don't even bat an eye, because that's actually cheap compared to the stuff piled on that table.

IVF is a lot like IUI, actually... on steroids. And we should know, after three IUI failures. The promise of IVF is bigger, though. There's more certainty, more knowledge, and yep, more money. Lots more.

A dear friend of mine asked me what I felt like the worst part of IVF was. Did it represent a failure, a scary next step, the feeling of wasting time, the amount of medication, or was it the money that got to me most? And without skipping a beat, I said money. Our health insurance is fantastic for everything except this. We are 100% out of pocket for IVF, which is how we ended up spending $4k in meds. Add on the actual cost of treatment, monitoring, procedures, and high-tech lab work? We basically bought a car at our fertility clinic.

The bottom line, though, is what we'd rather have in our lives more than a child. The answer, of course, is nothing. Not a new deck, a landscaped yard, less student loan debt, or more savings. Not any of that. Yet still, it burns. I wonder why our cost to conceive is so high, when other people's is, say, the cost of a wine cooler. In my worst moments I whine about the inequities. Especially since even now, after doctors have watched T's sperm successfully fertilize my eggs in a lab, we don't have any more answers than we did before. "Unexplained Infertility," still.

So these days we're laying low. We're eating at home, playing with the puppy, watching baseball, and reading books. Outside of the side effects, it's not a bad place to be, really. Our days are quieter than before, but in a nesting way rather than an empty way. We're full of hope, because our chances are better than ever.

Is hope worth the cost of my beloved old Subaru Forester? I doubt it. But is a child? Absolutely.

To be continued.

23 comments:

  1. Beautifully written, as always. I'll be crossing my fingers and toes for y'all! I have a friend that spent three years trying and just had a precious baby girl last month through IVF.

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  2. Thinking happy thoughts for you!

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  3. Best wishes with this! I went through the same thing, spending $$$ out of pocket for IVF, and taking a pic of all the drugs laid out like that! And yeah, I had the same thoughts about why it's so easy for other people to snap their fingers and be pregnant. But you're not alone!

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  4. I'm praying for you guys! It definitely doesn't seem fair that it's so easy for some and so hard for others that truly deserve it. Not to mention crazy expensive. Yes, it'll be worth it. My fingers are crossed for you. This is a good move. Keep trying. Just keep trying.

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  5. At risk of sounding like ye olde broken record, thank you for this. As usual, you've described this so eloquently, which I know isn't easy.If I were the sort of person who sent hugs or emoticons, I'd send you a hug.

    I'm about to start in on the injectables/IUI merry-go-round myself, and I can't tell you how much I personally appreciate reading about this from someone who has been there.

    Fingers crossed for this round to be the one for you!

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  6. Oh I really hope this is it for you guys. Fingers crossed for you!

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  7. Thinking of you and hoping for happy news soon!

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  8. Oh, Maggie. All fingers and toes crossed for you on this. Every day I see a friend who went through two years of fertility treatments, ultrasounds, trigger shots, etc., etc., who is now 17 weeks pregnant with their daughter. There's good juju in the air. Here's hoping it's landed on you.

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  9. Beautifully said, as always. Sending you lots of hope and hugs!

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  10. The unfairness of it all bothers me so much. However, I wil avoid rants and negativity and simply say that I am so hopeful for you and T. Much love, Samma

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  11. Sending lots of positivity and good thoughts. In case they don't tell you and you have to take progesterone in oil, ice the area 5/10 mins pre-shot and then use a really good heating pad on the area for 10-20 mins after. It really does cut down on the soreness. I learned this after a weekend trip thinking it would be fine without ice packs and heating pad. Uhm, no.

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  12. As someone who has been there, done that, YOU CAN DO IT! And if you need a good acupuncturist in DC, lemme know!

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  13. Hugs and kisses and hope to you.

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  14. So much love for you. Sending positive crazy-science-magic thoughts into the universe on your behalf on the daily.

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  15. Oh I hope it works for you! My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

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  16. Been thinking about you a lot lately - sending you an abundance of happy thoughts and good vibes.

    So poignant and well written, as always!

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  17. New reader -I sure hope your IVF works! It is so interesting to read the different treatments that others go through with infertility... I was just reading back through your "Needles" post about your IUI treatments. I am just now doing my 2nd IUI but my Dr has me take 5 days of Femara which is normally a breast cancer drug but I do still have to get the HCG shot if I do not ovulate on my own but anyways, again interesting all the different treatment plans there are available. The worst thing for me is looking 3 months pregnant when you are not. I really hope you are successful with your first IVF, that will be my next step too!

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  18. I can't imagine the pain and frustration that stem from infertility. I hope laying low helps soothe your heart temporarily, if not mend it.

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  19. Sending prayers and hugs from NC. Admire you so.

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